3/31/11 Monologue

Since 2002, there's been a 30 percent increase in female-run farms across the country. I don’t know about you but this utterly turns me on.

Former California governor Ahhhnold Schwarzenegger is going to star as a cartoon superhero called “The Governator.” It is not yet known what superpower the Governator will have but we’re guessing budgeting isn’t one of them.

Next time you call your parole officer, keep in mind that The Journal of the American Medical Association indicated that talking on your cell phone could alter brain activity. Yeah, it increases glucose metabolism. So the longer we talk, the more doughnuts we can eat. Cops everywhere are calling each other: Phone in one hand, doughnut in the other.

Speaking of doughnuts, A morbidly obese Ohio man died after police found him fused to a chair he had not moved from in two years and were forced to cut a hole in the wall of his house just to get him out, WTOV-TV reported Wednesday.The unnamed 43-year-old man's roommates called police who found him unconscious. The man lived with two able-bodied roommates -- including his girlfriend, who officials said fed him since he never got up. I’m guessing the girlfriend was a gymnast of some sort since the man WAS FUSED TO A CHAIR FOR 2 YEARS!

Lastly, Starbucks turned 40 this March. The store celebrated with a Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended.

3/30/11 Monologue

If you haven’t heard, we have the first ever photo of mercury from orbit. Incredible photos. And if you look really really closely you can see a cobra on the lam.

The Baseball season begins April 1^st, or as they call it in Cleveland, cruel and unusual punishment.

The eldest Kardashian sister lived out a lifelong dream when she made her debut on the ABC soap "One Life to Live" as Kassandra Kavanaugh, a wayward lawyer with a knack for trouble.

Really? One life to live? A lawyer? Why not a brilliant scientist with an axe to grind, or a charming jewel thief? Kourtney Kardashian can pull off a lawyer when they find an ass double for Kim.

In other mammal news, the killer whale responsible for a SeaWorld Trainer's Death will return to performing. But not at Sea World. The Orca will instead be cast in the new Broadway Spiderman musical.

And listen to this folks, A prosecutor in Hudspeth County, Texas, hashed out a “Crazy” plea bargain with country legend Willie Nelson. If the singer performs his “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain,” pays a small fee, and pleads guilty to a misdemeanor, Nelson will get off the hook for a bust for six ounces of marijuana last year. I can’t wait to see the tour bus roll up to the courthouse with smoke billowing out. Willie all glazed over, wearing a hemp necklace. The prosecutor said it constitutes community service. IF getting high and singing constitutes community service, the Allman Brothers deserve the Nobel Prize.

3/29/11 Monologue

Did you all hear about the snake that is running loose in the Bronx Zoo?

Some zoo visitors said that they’ve been hearing a mysterious “fugghedabout it” from bushes near the reptile portion of the zoo.

            In related news Michael Vick adopted a mongoose.

It’s been reported that jogging isn’t really bad for your knees. Shoe stores all around the country are prepping for no sort of run on running shoes whatsoever.

And lastly Kate Middleton has a bachelorette party planned which includes A Dirty Dancing-themed bash at the Middleton home in Bucklebury. Yeah, and wrapping it up there’s going to be a back alley abortion, pancreatic cancer, and rhinoplasty.

Thank you, you’ve been a great crowd.

Al Queda Magazine for Women

Al Queda Magazine for Women

The worst part: the infinite number of pottery barn ads and tear outs that hinder a good leaf through. On the plus side, great recipes and organizing tips for your cave.

What's The Real Situation?

Mike

 Mike from MTV’s the Jersey Shore claims to be “the situation” but maybe the situation is:

Snakes on your plane. Yes, your plane.





And it's game Game 7





All the desserts look good.



It's not unbenign.

Paper due tomorrow.

Small talk is torture these days.

From a conversation with an advisee. Nothing is paraphrased.

Me: How are you?

Her: good

Me: How was your break?

Her: Relaxing. I got to sleep.

Me: Did you go anywhere exciting?

Her: No, just home.

Me: Ah, just a little R & R.

Me: How are classes going?

Her: Sheesh, every time I come here it’s like the inquisition.

My recent email to overstock.com customer service rep Samantha

Samantha,

I figure you are just “doing your job” here but in doing your job you have to hear my rant. And I know the customer is always right so sit back, relax, and be wrong.

“Please allow 2 - 15 business days for delivery” 15 days. Is everyone at overstock on crack or barbiturates or something? An overweight oprah winfrey could walk my order to me in 15 days. From Belgium! C’mon, where is that overstock spirit…to be better than odd lots. I guess with that stiff odd lots competition overstock has withered and has settled like your current boyfriend. Just kidding. Sort of.

Let me get this straight, if I don’t get my order that was placed on sept 24th by October 14th I should contact you. Shit I could get pregnant and have a kid by then. And that assumes that technology will soon allow a male to have a kid. I’m no math major but that is 20 days. Count em, 20. It is not like you had to write the book, take the pictures, bind it and all that. You merely had to throw it on a truck. Did I fall asleep and wake up in 1850? Is this thing getting to me by pony express? Hot air balloon? Did I order special original Gutenberg bibles by mistake? 20 days.

My god Samantha do you have any idea what can happen in 20 days. My rash could clear up and I may not need the book in 20 days.

I tell you this, if I win the lottery in the interim, I am going to send those books back to overstock (you should receive them in a mere 480 hours) and head out to odd lots for some of the finer things in life.

Are we clear Samantha?

Samantha: “Crystal Sir.”

Jimmy Carter Assassination Attempt!

Sources reported that while abroad doing god's work in North Korea, freeing Aijalon Gomes, a would be gunman by the name of Archie Hypogaea, raised a custom made 22 caliber revolver (circled in red) menacingly into the air. But before he could draw a bead on the former president and peanut lover, Jimmy Carter, a security guard with Planters Inc., George Washington Carver XI, tackled Hypogaea and subdued him with a cobra clutch.

Carver XI will receive the coveted medal of butter once back home in the good ole US of A.
Jimmy Carter is reported to be in fine health after the incident. He said that he just wants to "go back to Georgia and have a jam sandwich and a Billy Beer."

Captain and Officer

Captain: what do you have on this downtown incident?

Officer: seems the guy was ex-military, former navy walrus.

Captain: that is seal you idiot.

Officer: I’m not an idiot. And neither is Seal. He’s ugly but no man banging Heidi Klum is an idiot.

Captain: dammit! What else do you have on this guy?

Officer: Not much captain. He came in blasting and left blasting. Customers dropped to the floor. They are all just reporting that he wore gel-kayano’s and had hairy ankles.

Captain: what did he get away with?

Officer: Armed robbery sir.

Captain: dammit! I know that. How much?

Officer: not much captain, 10k or so.

Captain: what about video footage.

Officer: nothing from the bank but a couple customers recorded from their phones.

Captain: great, what do we got.

Officer: Well sir he wore gel-kayano’s and had hairy ankles.

Captain: dammit! We can get a how-to-do your own heart surgery on youtube and all we get are the guy’s ankles!

Officer: some of the shins too. They are hairy as well.

Captain: right. Let’s put out an APB on this guy. Wait, how do you know he was ex-military?

Officer: He dropped his business card. After Iraq he went into home decorating and chimney sweeping.